ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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