Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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