3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
