I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
