oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
