Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
