She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize