omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize