remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This toilet bowl is my home.
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