Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
