am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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