...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
