Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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