Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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