i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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