New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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