i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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