My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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