happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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