I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
