Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
