my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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