She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
