i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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