Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
