I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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