Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
