why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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