My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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