It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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