Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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