So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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