sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
