i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
