When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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