You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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