I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
