I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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