i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize