I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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