I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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