life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
