i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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