There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
