My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
