I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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