My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
