She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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