Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
