i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
