we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
