you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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