Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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