Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(315): View more from New York

You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(904): View more from Florida

And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.

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