I look better un-naked...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
