evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
