OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
