I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just want nice things and good sex
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
