I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
