u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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