is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
