I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
