you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
