worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
