I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
