my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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